


Baby, I'm A Wreck (Baby, You're A Wreck)

by maydaysmusings, Robin Lee (maydaysmusings)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Arguing, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Use, Sexual Content, Strong Language, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-05-18 13:40:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19335640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maydaysmusings/pseuds/maydaysmusings, https://archiveofourown.org/users/maydaysmusings/pseuds/Robin%20Lee
Summary: Johnny and Cordelia have stopped talking and that spells trouble for both of them.





	1. Wearing A Warning Sign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After weeks of talking, Johnny suddenly disappears from Cordelia's radar. She doesn't handle it well and tendencies from her past come to light.

Cordelia frowns as she looks at her phone, not knowing quite what she’d done wrong. See, Johnny hadn’t spoken to her, via text or otherwise for three weeks, but not for lack of trying on her part. She drops her head to her counter, groaning, she’d been ghosted…by her best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend. “Goddammit,” she shakes her head and stands up straight, going to her fridge and grabbing her water bottle before heading out, hoping that work would distract her.

It didn’t. This was proven hours later, when Mark was walking up his driveway and saw Cordelia’s car, Betty, just sitting in her driveway, blaring music inside it. He frowns and heads over, tapping on the window and looking in when it’s rolled down to see a crying Cordelia give him a peace sign as she listens to Better Now by Post Malone. He grabs his phone immediately and texts Seren, “I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m taking Cor inside right now. You need to get here, now.” He heads to the other side, “Unlock the door, hun,” then pulls it open as she does and reaches in, turning off the engine. “You know,” he says, helping her out, “You ruin your battery like that.”

Cordelia whimpers and leans on him, “And now I need a new car battery,” she sniffles and stumbles with him to the door, Mark using her hidden key to let them in.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” Mark asks softly as they’re inside, setting her on the couch, relocking the door, knowing Seren had a key. “Or not…” He sighs as he turns and she’s off the couch, now in the kitchen. Cordelia returns with a bottle and a tray of cookies, turning on her stereo, blasting something loud and obnoxious, singing along to it just the same. Mark sighs again when he sees the bottle is, in fact, vodka and she’s now drinking straight from it.

“We’re gonna feel fucking great! I’m gonna call everybody to come over!” She laughs through tears and Mark doesn’t think he’s ever been so terrified by Cordelia before. He just hopes Seren  
gets there, soon.

And that, she does, about 30 minutes later, having grabbed the other girls, bringing them inside, met with the sight of Cordelia, already pretty drunk, screaming at Mark, “I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU MARK.” Then yelling the lyrics along to Truth Hurts, starting with, “WHY MEN GREAT TIL THEY GOTTA BE GREAT?!” She keeps going, oblivious to the crowd in the doorframe, but no longer screaming at Mark, but with her eyes closed towards the window. Finally, she peeks her eyes open, and gasps, “You guys made it! I didn’t even text you!” She bounces over, hugging them all at once, offering her bottle to each of them; Seren and Lyn politely declining, Athena nervously pretending to sip and Kiara, Grace and Phoenix each readily taking a swig from it.

Seren slips away to Mark, “Do you have any idea what’s going on?”

“Yes,” he sighs, “I felt this might have happened…it’s Johnny.”

“What do you mean?” She tilts her head, confused. “…He, as she calls it, ghosted her…”

Seren glares, “Excuse me?"

“Look, it’s probably not like that. He’s been…busy.”

“So are we!”

“But…I don’t know…maybe he just doesn’t like her as much as she likes him?”

Her face softens, “Yeah, maybe. Sorry,” she kisses his cheek, “I know we can’t force them…She been like this for a while, now?”

“Since after I brought her in. She was just crying in Betty,” he sighs, putting his arm around her.

“Oh,” she frowns, “She’s hurt, then. She never just lets Betty run like that. That car is her like one of her friends.”

“See why I had you come over, right away?” He rubs her arm.

“Thanks for looking out for her, babe,” she nuzzles him and watches as Athena heads over to the snacks away with Lyn as Cordelia is now waltzing Kiara around the living room, completely opposite of the music and giggling as Kiara takes little sips from the bottle.

Kiara had known Cordelia about as long as Seren had, having gone to high school together and Kiara was always there for Cordelia and her habits and Cordelia for Kiara’s. Before she’d quit smoking for good, Kiara would join her for a cigarette and make her share one, because that way, she’d ‘only smoke half as much’. When they went to parties, they’d nurse the same red solo cup together and would assign someone else to make sure they didn’t drink more if one left early. Cordelia even accompanied Kiara on her first date, staying the background with Phoenix and Seren, but there nonetheless. And that’s how it was now, as well, the two of them drinking and laughing because one of them needed the other. Seren smiled, Kiara would more than likely end up staying the night with Cordelia so she wouldn’t be alone.

Then a laugh rang out from the other side of the room, Phoenix looking as Grace started to get into the music, making faces at her friend. The two of them were some of the funniest in the group and tonight was obviously no different, only made better by the bottle of alcohol the two had found in the kitchen.

“You know, I think we’ve got it, you don’t have to stay,” Seren says softly to Mark.

“I wanna be here for her, too. Johnny isn’t the one crying in his car at five in the afternoon,” he chuckles a bit and kisses her head. “Besides, I’m supposed to be a little mad at Johnny for what he did, so this is perfect.”

“Thank you,” she pecks his lips and looks back at the room, Athena and Lyn now dancing a bit, too, giggling to each other. Reserved as they may be, she catches the two little wine coolers in their hands and laughs, Cordelia always stocked that for them, so they wouldn’t have to drink hard alcohol like she enjoyed.

Pulled from her thoughts and the couch, Seren is now on her feet, Cordelia dragging her over to dance with them, shouting lyrics off-key, tear tracks dried on her cheeks and the bottle near empty in her hand. Seren chuckles and dances with her friends, but deep down she’s worried; Cordelia used to have a drinking problem in her late teens. She remembered the days of her friend showing up to the cafeteria on their university campus, tired and groggy, saying, “Fuck, I got plastered last night.” Then loading up on greasy food and heading off to class. She also remembers that Cordelia never officially got better, just cut back a lot.

But, looking at how happy she looked compared to how Mark described her before, she’d say nothing and let her have her vices. Cordelia grins at her, “Starrrrr, watch!” Then busts out some dumb dance move and does finger guns at her, making her snort. “I know, I know, I’m great.”

“Bitch, you look Vanilla Ice with a bum knee,” Phoenix teases from the other side of the room.

“That was the goal!” Cordelia laughs and does it again, much to the cringe and amusement of her friends, made worse only by Mark getting up and doing the same move with her.

“Look at us! Dream Team!” He laughs and grabs Cord’s hand do they dance together, looking like idiots, but happy.

“Dang y’all!” Lyn calls from the kitchen, giggling.

Seren shares a look with a Mark, a small smile that says, “Thank you for this.” He returns it.

The night continues on like this until a song comes on and Cordelia just stops dead in her tracks, and much to everyone’s dismay, it was Old Town Road. “Cord?” Phoenix frowns, knowing her friend rather enjoyed the song.

She whimpers and shakes her head, downing the rest of the Amaretto Sour in her hand, from when Grace and her had started making drinks for everyone, before she plops heavily on the couch, tears pouring freely.

“Oh, god,” Athena sighs, “Karaoke.” She says, remember a little ways back to when they’d all been together, along with WinWin, Taeyong, Doyoung, Taeil, Jaehyun and Johnny. To annoy their friends, Johnny and Cordelia had done a little routine and sang Old Town Road together on stage. It was a happy memory…or at least it used to be.

“Oh, sweetie,” Lyn is at Cordelia’s side, hugging and consoling her, the best at it in the whole group. “It’s okay.”

“I don’t what know I did wrong,” she sniffles out, finally. “I mean, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be for us, but he could’ve just told me? I would’ve been fine! I don’t like being ghosted!” She lets out a breath and wipes her eyes, “Change the song. Please.”

Phoenix grabs the phone to put on anything else, finally finding a good song they could all dance to, but Cordelia doesn’t get up, just cries into Lyn’s chest. It was rare, but Cordelia did cry, much to the disbelief of many, as she was a more masculine person and wasn’t great with emotion, what with her self-deprecating humor and rougher upbringing. And when it did happen, it was serious. Poor Cordelia really did like the guy she’d accidentally made an ass of herself in front of. The others could tell she was really hurting over it and to their surprise, Mark joined Cordelia on the other side, giving her a tight hug while she cried on Lyn.

“I know it hurts right now, but maybe you’ll be happier after? If he ignored you, it wasn’t your fault,” he says reassuringly. “Trust me, I’d know, I’m like his brother.”

Cordelia sniffles and looks at him, before engulfing him in a bear hug, which he graciously returns, “Thank you, Mark,” she says softly. He just nods against her hair and keeps the hug going, even pulling Lyn into it.

Kiara makes a small noise next to Seren and when Seren looks, she’s smiling brightly. “You picked yourself a good one, Ren.”

“I know,” she smiles, then sighs, “I just wish Cordy would do the same for once.”

Kiara nods in agreement, leaning on Ren, “Come on, let’s let her calm down. Thirsty? I know she installed that clean water faucet.” She leads her to the kitchen.

Seren laughs and pictures it, Cordelia wedged under sink with her tool kit, doing extra work that would help the environment in the long run, as usual. “Typical, Cord.”

“Right? I was here when she did it,” She chuckles, “I’ve never seen her need a cigarette more, but she pushed through it,” she smiles and gets them glasses of water.

“Good,” she bites her lip, “...She’s been-“

“Drinking, I know. But, it’s okay. I’m gonna cut her off in a few hours. That’s one thing we can be thankful for, she won’t be sloppy because her addiction strengthened her tolerance. She’s gonne be okay, Ren. I wouldn’t let anything happen to her. She’s my sister.”

Seren hugs Kiara, thankful for her putting her fears to rest, and then pulls back so they can drink their glasses, smiling as they finish and hear Lyn squeak. She was back. They peek over the counter and see a lightly blubbering, but giggling, Cordelia bouncing about the living room, making Lyn and Mark bounce about with her. Kiara drags Seren and Athena along to join, Phoenix and Grace joining of their own will, the group dancing in the middle of the living room, screaming the lyrics to Cake By The Ocean as a group.

The girls start dropping off one by one, exhausted and tipsy, until just Cordelia is left on the floor, dancing to whatever song comes on, on her last allotted drink from Kiara, who threatened to steal her keys for the week if she didn’t comply. She finally exhausts and lays in the middle of the floor, giggling to herself, “I love you guys so much…” Then promptly passes out.

She’s woken by a knocking at the door, a few hours later, at around 2 A.M., having passed out around 12 A.M., groaning as she tries to ignore it. It comes again, slow and agonizing, sharp in her head and she gets up, lowering the music just a bit, and stumbling to answer it, “Hello?” She hums and looks up at the visitor, heart dropping into her stomach.


	2. How A Face Can Change When A Heart Knows Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia and Johnny are at a standstill. Cordelia makes a new friend.

If Cordelia was one-hundred percent honest, she’d rather a hungry black bear had knocked on her door in the dead of night. Or perhaps a serial killer to have crawled into her window. Or maybe someone to have taken Betty and crashed right into her porch.

Okay maybe not that last one. But anything but him.

“…Hey,” Johnny says, standing on Cordelia’s porch in the dead of night, leaning on the door jamb, cheeks slightly flushed and eyes staring at his feet.

She pushes him back a bit and steps out, pressed against him now, “What? Music too loud for you?” She asks, crossing her arms as he stumbles back slightly so they’re not so close. “…Are you drunk?”

“Tipsy. Look...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just stop. It all kind of happened too fast.” Johnny says, looking down again, “I was…I wasn’t, thinking.”

“No. No, you weren’t, were you, Seo?” She snaps, glaring at him, using his last name to distance herself.

Johnny looks up then, eyes narrowed and mouth fallen, looking near tears as he whimpers out a, “But…you never call me Seo…”

“Well, things change. I see that, now.” She says, looking at her own feet, “I’m over it. I don’t need your apology. I just need to move on.”

“Coral-“

“Don’t call me that.” She says, on the brink of tears herself now. “You don’t get to just leave and come back like nothing happened! It isn’t fair to me! I’m not just going to let you back in!”

“Why not?”

“Because you broke my heart, Seo! You broke my heart and you come here, drunk, trying to give me a half-ass apology? No! That’s not fair!” She’s crying now, glaring at him.

There’s silence between them, Cordelia shifting her eyes to the floor, curling in on herself. Johnny lightly kicks the toe of his shoe against the porch, nothing but the sound of crickets around them. “Cor-“

“Just go. Please,” she whispers, shaking her head.

He steps forward, putting his hands on her arms, “Cordelia, ple-“ His voice is tight with tears and she realizes he’s crying to, but it’s too late for that.

“Get off me!” She shoves against him, but stumbles, falling backwards over the chair she has on the porch. She hisses and whimpers, rubbing where she fell on her arm, glaring up at him.

“I-I’m sorry…I…”

“Go home, Seo.” She gets up and goes inside, sniffling as she locks the door and slides down on it, back against it. She hold her arm and drops her head down in tears. Why couldn’t he have just left it alone? Why did he have to come back? And drunk? She thunks her head back before standing back up and going to clean the little scrapes she got from the porch furniture before coming back, alcohol having worn off a bit, now. She drapes blankets over everyone, but Phoenix wakes, blinking up at her and frowning. “It’s okay, go back to sleep, just giving you a blanket.” The girl nods and rolls back over to go back to sleep.

Cordelia sighs and cuddles up in a blanket on the floor, but she doesn’t sleep, just rubs her throbbing arm and stares at the fibers in the carpet. Why did it always have to be her? She sniffles and lays there until around nine, stuck in her thoughts, her medication not making it any easier to relax.

She gets up and heads to the kitchen, making everyone breakfast, numb and methodical in her movements as she cooks. Phoenix, again, is the first up, wandering in, “I smelled food.”

She chuckles at her friend and kisses her head, “You smelled right, Pumpkin. How did you sleep?”

“Alright. I’m short, so the couch was fine,” she hums and hugs her friend, leaning on her slightly, drawing a small hiss from Cordelia. She frowns and pulls back, “What? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, uh, I just hurt my arm last night,” she shrugs, smiling at her. “Set the table, yeah? I’m gonna wake the others.” Phoenix frowns, but does as she’s told, Cordelia going to wake the others one by one and they all make their way into the kitchen.

Grace rubs her head, “How do you just wake up fine, Cord?”

Cordelia chuckles, lying through her teeth, “I guess it’s just a skill,” knowing full well, she only got two hours and not a second more. It wasn’t possible for her, too. She then goes around, handing Advil to the ones who need it, but giving each of them a kiss on the head, even Mark before serving them, “Dig in!”

She sits and eats, smiling as they chatter, before her heart drops at Mark’s next words, “Did anyone else hear the yelling last night?”

“What yelling?” Lyn frowns, looking up from plate.

“I don’t know. I couldn’t hear over our music, but it sounded close,” he shrugs, looking around the table before dropping it, “I mean it was probably nothing.” He hums and eats his food, much to Cordelia’s relief.

Breakfast goes over well and Cordelia does the dishes, Kiara drying them and Athena putting them away as Seren and Lyn refold the blankets and put them away. Cordelia frowns and looks around after they’re done, “Hey, Mark?” She calls.

“Yeah?”

“You busy?”

“I just finished tossing all the trash, why?”

“Can you grab my purse from Betty? You have my keys!”

“Sure thing!” He runs out and comes back in just a minute later, putting the purse on the counter, 

“Hey, Cor, what happened to your porch furniture?”

“W-what do you mean?” She asks.

“Some of it’s knocked over…”

“Oh…I don’t kn-“

“Okay, that’s it,” Phoenix snaps, “Tell me what’s going on, Cordelia.”

“What do you-“

“You know what I mean! Your arm is bruised, there was yelling last night, your porch furniture…Something isn’t adding up, Cor…”

The room falls silent and all eyes go to Cordelia, but she just stares at her hands, shaking her head as the tears start up again.

“I’ll kill him,” Mark growls and heads to the door, but Cordelia bolts over, blocking his way. “Cordelia, seriously, he can’t hurt you like that. Not physically.”

“He didn’t. I swear!” She sniffles, “He came over, drunk and trying to apologize. We…well, I started yelling…We were on the porch and he tried to hold my arms or hands or something and I shoved him, but I guess I was still a little unbalanced because I fell back over the furniture and onto my arm. That’s where the bruise is from.” She explains, sighing with a tiny sniffle. “Okay? Relax.”

“…You swear?” Mark asks softly, concerned.

“I swear. But, thank you,” she gives him a hug, kissing his head.

He relaxes and hugs her back, “Fine. But if he ever-“

“I can take him. Don’t you worry about me.”

He chuckles, “I’m sure you could.” He pulls back, looking at her bruise, “So…what did he say?”

“…That it happened too fast and he didn’t mean it and he wasn’t thinking.” She sighs, “Basically the same spiel anyone gives to someone they hurt.”

“I’m sorry, Cor,” Athena says softly, biting her lip.

“It’s okay. Really. Because I’m passed it, now!” She nods, “Come on, let’s go out. Let’s go do something.” She nods, “And Mark you can call Tae and YoYo and Joh-“ she swallows thickly, “Uh, well, anyone else you want, really. Sound fun?”

“Sure,” Seren nods and gently takes Mark’s hand, “Go call the other boys, love.” Mark nods and goes to do so, Seren taking Cordelia upstairs, Kiara tagging along. “Are you sure you’re okay, Cordelia?”

“Yeah, of course,” she says shakily, “Just…in shock.”

“Tell me the truth. Did he hit you?”

“You think there’d only be one bruise if he did?” She tries to joke, but it hurts to think about. Not she thinks Johnny would ever, but people surprise you.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay is all. Go get dressed. We’ll swing by mine and then Kiara’s so everyone else can get changed real quick, alright?”

“Sounds good,” She nods and heads into her bedroom to change, not letting anyone see the fresh tears beginning again. Her stomach churns as she thinks about last night. He was there. And she…she couldn’t even look at him.

He’d cried, she remembers. But she isn’t sure if it was a trick. She hoped not. She mindlessly dresses and pulls her hair up into a bun, tucking it through the hole in the back of her baseball cap before heading downstairs to join the rest of the group. “Let’s go!”

They pile in the cars and head off, Cordelia looking out the windshield as she backs out of the driveway, taking a deep, shuddering breath as she sees the tell-tale purple of Johnny’s sweatshirt. But not just any sweatshirt…the one he wore when…She blinks back tears at a memory. That night was just theirs. And now, it was tarnished. She sighs as she drives off.

After letting everyone change, Mark having left to change earlier, they stand by the cars, parked in Kiara and Grace’s driveway. “So, what do we wanna do?” Lyn asks, looking around at the group.

“Maybe the zoo?” Mark pipes up and the rest of the group nods, before getting back in their cars.

Kiara sits up front with Cordelia in Betty, Phoenix in the backseat, Seren having gone with Mark and Grace having nabbed Athena and Lyn. “You know, I think the zoo is great idea,” Kiara smiles, “We get to hang out and you get to cheer up! Maybe they’ll have sloths out!”

“Yeah. At least our zoo treats them right,” she smiles a bit as they drive, going to meet the boys there.

“You always were such an eco-warrior. Which is why I can’t believe you still have this car.”

“She’s my baby, okay?” Cordelia huffs, “She needs her momma.”

Phoenix groans, “You and this car,” she laughs, “She’s constantly at the mechanic!”

“She’s my baby,” she huffs, “Leave her alone.”

Kiara chuckles and turns up the radio, too loud, so Cordelia smacks her hand away and then repeats, loving to annoy her friend, Phoenix napping in the back seat as she likes to. “Kiara, I swear to god,” she laughs as they continue going back and forth for the remainder of the trip.

Cordelia parks next to Mark and hops out, leaning into the back of her two-door to gently wake Phoenix, “We’re here, Pumpkin.” She looks to Mark after helping Phoenix out and locking her car. “Where are the boys?”

“They’re at the entrance. Offered to pay for us,” he smiles, taking Seren’s hand as the group walks up to the entrance.

From there, the splitting up begins and Cordelia feels her stomach sink as she watches.

Jaehyun pulls Kiara under his arm and kisses her head, “Hi, you!” He smiles brightly, the two of them best friends. Well for now, Cordelia thinks, making herself smile. She knew Kiara had a thing for Jaehyun and she couldn’t blame her, he was cute and nice and he always treated Kiara special.

Then there was Grace and Taeil, the two had bonded within minutes of meeting and had been inseparable since, teasing each other and flirting, oblivious to everyone else. She knew they’d be together soon, there was no mistaking that.

Beside them, Phoenix socks WinWin’s arm as he tickles her, but instead of looking upset he laughs more and chases her, picking her up. She squeals to be let down, but Cordelia knew she secretly loved how playful he always was with her.

Athena snuggles into Taeyong’s chest next to Cordelia and she smiles at him as he waves, holding his girlfriend close to him. They’d started dating almost immediately after meeting. If there ever was an argument about true love, Athena and Taeyong would be the best example of proof.

Lyn finds Doyoung and he immediately grins, hugging her tight and kissing her head. Those two were competitors from the second they met, but it helped them bond. And, Cordelia thinks, she’s never seen Lyn quite so happy when she’s around him.

She giggles as she sees Mark pout at Jungwoo, who now holds Seren’s other hand. Cordelia liked her and Jungwoo’s friendship, but she didn’t like Jungwoo and he didn’t like her much, either. For what reason? Well, that was their business and their business alone.

Haechan, Yuta and Ten are there, too. But she feels it before it even happens, her stomach sinking deeper. The voice. “Hey, guys! Sorry, I’m late!” And then Johnny appears right beside her, smiling at them until he sees her. “Oh…hey…” Cordelia sighs and nods, shoulders slumping as Yuta walks with Ten and Jungwoo with Haechan, leaving her with Johnny, staring at her shoes as she walks with their group. “…Your arm looks pretty bruised…”

“That’s what happens,” she sighs, looking anywhere but at him, wishing she could just disappear.

“Look, Cordelia, I’m really sor-“

“Hey, guys! Wait up!” She calls to literally no one and jogs up to catch up with Kiara.

Jaehyun scoops her under his other arm, “Ah, my two girls. A happy man, I am,” he chuckles. “Let’s go see some animals!”

Cordelia doesn’t look back to see Johnny wipe his eyes on his sleeve and trail behind before Ten finally pulls him into their little row. He looks longingly after Cordelia, but decides to not press the issue.

The group walks around, squealing over animals and taking photos before deciding it’s time for lunch. Cordelia gets in line behind Yuta, but notices his face fall when Ten leans on Johnny. She frowns and waits til the two leave to tap Yuta’s shoulder, “Hey, you okay?” She asks softly.

He looks panicked for a moment before he nods, then bites his lip and looks around, “A-actually…I heard what happened…I’m sorry.”

“Oh…it’s okay,” she swallows, looking at her empty tray. “But thanks, Yuta,” she smiles and pecks his cheek, not catching Johnny looking over his shoulder and watching, his stomach churning. “…Are you sure you’re okay?” She rubs his arm.

He lowers his voice and in a whisper tells her, “I’m in love with him.”

Cordelia’s heart stops.


	3. Dancing With Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As with every story, there's always two sides. Johnny just has no one to tell his to.

Johnny could hear the music coming from the driveway for hours now, but every time he peeked outside, he saw nothing. Maybe it was just some kids down the street, he thinks to himself before he continues on about his day until he peeks outside once more, only to see Mark lifting Cordelia from her car and his face furrows. He can hear the music louder now, for some reason. Then it dawns on him. It was her. The whole time, she’d been in her car with the music on blast. But, that wasn’t right. She’d never let Betty run like that. He remembers how often she talked about Betty compared to his own car and chuckles softly to himself, before he feels a wave of guilt sweep over him.

That night. It was all his fault. He started everything he shouldn’t have and then couldn’t bare the consequences that followed. Cordelia deserved more than that and he knew it, but he couldn’t bring himself to give that to her afterwards. So, he decided to step away. To let her go easy.

This was obviously not how she viewed it, as he hears the music start up in the house. Some sort of break-up rap anthem that she’d actually showed him once or twice. He always did like her taste in music. He smiles at the memory of the group karaoke night, her bouncing around on stage with him like an idiot. And that’s what they were. Two idiots falling for each other. He feels a pang in his chest and slumps to the couch. How could he have hurt her so badly?

He tilts his head back, closing his eyes, trying to think of a happier memory, but he can’t help himself from coming back to that night. He remembers it vividly. How sad she’d sounded on the phone. The way her eyes lit up with the lights of the city. How she’d hated him for tricking her into tasting fish. Her ruthless teasing after defeating him in their game. The way she stilled on that street where everything changed. Hands on each other, stumbling, bumping into anything they could to savour a few more moments. Driving with the defroster on to clear the steam on the windows. How the sheets felt different that night. How they felt even more different that morning. He swallows the sour lump in his throat and gets up, heading to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of beer and opening it, gulping some of it down. Anything to get his mind off of the way she’d said his name that night.

He sees headlights and peaks through the blinds, recognizing Seren’s car right and his heart drops; he’d really messed up. He sighs, then his eyes widen as he sees Grace, Phoenix, Athena, Lyn and Kiara all step out of the car and he feels like throwing up. He couldn’t have done that much damage…could he?

Stepping back from the window, he hurriedly chugs the rest of that beer and grabs another, looking at it before deciding to take the whole pack to the coffee table and plops on the couch. He tries to drown out the yelling that is obviously directed at him through song, something along the lines of, “Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face.” He turns up the TV and finally sighs in relief when she stops screaming the lyrics at him.

He shifts as he starts to feel hot in his own skin. He knew he wanted to make it up to her, but he just didn’t know how. He knew he wouldn’t forgive him either, if it was him in this position. He pinches his forehead and lets out a whimper, shutting his eyes tight before he starts to cry. He’d really liked Cordelia and it all just happened too fast for either one of them to catch themselves. He couldn’t control himself and hurt the both of them in the process.

And now Mark would hate him. She would’ve told them by now…right? But, yet, here he was. Nothing. No one at his door. No one calling him. He frowns and wipes his eyes, maybe she was crying over something else…maybe it didn’t actually mean anything to her…

He grabs his phone, looking at the messages from his ‘Coral’ with a little crab emoji next to it, distracting him as he clicks open the contact photo, chuckling. It was a photo he took when they went to carnival with Seren and Mark, she was glaring at him with a half-eaten chocolate banana at her lips, giving him the finger. He sucks in a breath and backs out of the photo to look at the messages, she’d texted him quite a few time over the last three weeks, saying she wanted to talk to him. He’d ignored every single one, hoping to not hurt them more. He looks at the last one she sent, that morning, it read, “I get it. I’m sorry. I just don’t want this to ruin us hanging out with the group, okay?” He whimpers softly and tosses his phone at the wall, slumping back into the cushions, crying as he shakes his head, “FUCK!”

He turns on his own music and drowns out the party next door, downing his second beer of the night and grabbing a third, starting to feel a little better. He gets up, singing softly to himself before he’s suddenly dancing around his living room, letting out his frustration through his movements. He keeps getting glimpses of the city lights, his sweater draped over Cordelia’s desk chair, her face when she teased him, how she-No. He wouldn’t allow himself that. That wasn’t his. Not anymore, at least.

He finishes the case and sighs, looking out the blinds, there’d been no yelling for at least two hours, now…maybe longer…who knew. He lowers his own music and then nods to himself, making a decision and heading out the door and across to Cordelia’s house. He stumbles up the steps and slumps on the door frame, raising his fist lazily to knock. He waits for a few seconds, then knocks again, closing his eyes and hoping she answers.

The door opens and he looks up to see her, then immediately back down and his stomach flip, “…Hey.” Then she’s up against, saying about music and he cant’s stand, making himself move away, so he can’t smell the mint shampoo she always used, but he must’ve stumbled a bit too much, because she notices.

“…Are you drunk?” She asks and it sounds likes she’s more sad than angry, but that’s not what important.

“Tipsy,” he lies, “Look…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just stop. It all kind of happened too fast. I was…I wasn’t, thinking.” He says, head spinning being this close to her in weeks. She needed to know. He meant what he said, but regretted what he’d done.

Then, the words he’s never thought he’d hear come from her lips, “No. No, you weren’t, were you, Seo?” And his stomach plummets and he could puke there, but he doesn’t, the lump in his throat not sick, but tears.

His head snaps up and she’s glaring at him as he whimpers out, “But…you never call me Seo…” It was true. She loved his name, but never called him it. Not once. She called him Bigfoot or Jo and once or twice, Suhshine…but NEVER Seo.

“Well, things change. I see that, now. I’m over it. I don’t need your apology. I just need to move on.” She won’t look at him, now and he just wants to see her eyes again. That’s it.

“Coral-“ he tries, but is immediately cut off. His nickname for her is no longer his to use.

“Don’t call me that.” And Johnny hears the tightness of her voice, laced with tears, tears he caused, he thinks sadly, “You don’t get to just leave and come back like nothing happened! It isn’t fair to me! I’m not just going to let you back in!”

“Why not?” But, he knows why. He knew too well. He didn’t deserve to come back.

“Because you broke my heart, Seo! You broke my heart and you come here, drunk, trying to give me a half-ass apology? No! That’s not fair!” He looks at her and his heart breaks as well, seeing her tears now flowing through angry slits and he’s never felt like this. She was broken like this because of him.

He lets it go silent, just tapping his toe against the porch, trying to hold back his own tears, “Cor-“

“Just go. Please.” Her voice is soft, as soft as the sheets that-No. He tries to force it away, but he can’t. He has to tell her.

He lets the tear damn break and steps forward to take her arms, so he can find her hands where they’re hidden, “Cordelia, ple-“

“Get off me!” It all happens too fast when Cordelia falls back over the chair, he can’t catch her, even though he’s tried.

He wants to reach a hand out, “I-I’m sorry…I…”

“Go home, Seo,” is the last thing she says before she gets up and goes inside, slamming the door in his face. He turns away, vision blurry with tears as he trips and stumbles his way home, slamming his own door and falling back against it, ending up with his knees to his chest, throat choked with tears.

He knows then that she’d never heard him and she never would. He missed his chance and ruined any future chances he could ever hope for. He ends up sleeping there, curled in a ball, until the blaring ringtone from his phone wakes him.

He grabs it, the screen surprisingly not cracked, and answers, “What?”

It’s Ten. “Hey, WinWin just invited me and the guys to have some fun, come with us. I haven’t seen you in forever, man.”

“I don’t-“

“Please?” He asks, “Come on. We haven’t done anything in so long and-“

Johnny cuts him off before he starts to whine, “Okay, okay, fine. Text me when you leave and where you’re going and I’ll meet you there,” he hangs up and stands, heading to get some Advil and water before going to his room to get dressed. He stares at his closet, swallowing hard as he pulls out the purple sweatshirt, not having washed it, so it still smelled of them. He sighs and pulls it on, pulling the collar over his nose and inhaling deeply. He hears Mark come in, but his friend doesn’t even make an attempt to talk to him and he figures he deserves it. He’s about to go and talk to him when he hears him leave and just slumps as he stands. Yeah, well deserved. He shuffles out and checks his phone, Ten telling him they were about to head out and he’d let him know.

He stands on his porch and watches as Betty and the other cars leave and he looks down at the wood railing instead, taking a deep breath. A little while later, Johnny isn’t sure how long and he doesn’t really care, Ten lets him know they’re going to the zoo. He chuckles and heads to his car, unaware that he’d run into Cordelia again.

Arriving, he parks, excited to get his mind off things as he bounces up to the group, “Hey, guys! Sorry, I’m late!” He looks at everyone, realization dawning on him, and he gets a chill, feeling her beside him before he looks, Cordelia looking like she’d rather die than look at him. “Oh…hey…” He notices her shoulders fall as they seem forced to walk together, then looks at her arm, mouth suddenly dry. “…Your arm looks pretty bruised…”

“That’s what happens,” and yeah, he knew the cold shoulder was coming, but he wanted to try. He wanted his friend, his Coral, back.

“Look, Cordelia, I’m really sor-“ But she had no intention of listening as she calls to the group and runs off, cuddling up to Jaehyun, which makes him sick all over again. That wasn’t fair, him getting to hold her like that. He sniffles and wipes his eyes on his sleeve before being pulled along by Ten, but all he can see is Cordelia, bun bouncing from beneath her blue baseball cap, the one with the little shark on it, her favourite one, as she walks. He hates that he knows her well enough to know her hats.

Later, in the cafeteria, is when he realizes that he’s officially lost her as she kisses Yuta’s cheek and he feels his stomach lurch and his blood boil. He turns away, shaking his head, this wasn’t right. He grabs food on autopilot and sits down heavily, watching her and Yuta, feeling his body heat with a mixture of anger and resentment. No. He’d fix this. He wasn’t going to let it end this way. No way in hell.


	4. I'm Cold And I Am Shamed, Lying Naked On The Floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia and Yuta share confessions.

“W-What?” Cordelia’s voice shakes and she looks up at Yuta.

“I’m…in love with him,” he says again, but he sounds like he’s saying it to himself, more than to Cordelia.

“W-who, Yuta?” She asks carefully, fearful of what may be the answer.

“Ten. I’m in love with Ten,” he murmurs, watching the man in front of him as he and Johnny move through the line.

“Oh,” her voice sounds way too full of relief, but if Yuta notices, he doesn’t say, just stares straight ahead, even after Ten and Johnny have sat down. “Yuta…Do you wanna talk?”

“Yes…but not here, okay? ...Maybe I can come over?” He asks, hopeful.

“Of course,” she smiles and leads him through the line, getting their lunches before sitting next to him at the long table, only a few seats down from Johnny and Ten. She could feel his eyes burning into her, but refused to give him even a glance. He could suffer. She eats her food, giggling with Jaehyun about something Kiara had done, the girl in mention just giggling beside them, trying to tell her side.

After lunch, they do a bit more exploring before heading home, Yuta sitting up front with Cordelia in Betty, everyone else having split up and gone home to rest. She pulls up to her house and takes him inside, Ruckus immediately barking at his feet. “Oh, come here!” She scoops him, letting him sniff until he stops, “Yuta is a friend. I promise. Go.” She sets him down and he runs off, then she looks at Yuta, “You want something to drink?”

“No, thank you,” he looks at his feet and sits on the couch heavily, worrying his bottom lip, “I…I…I really am sorry about what happened to you and Johnny.”

“It happens,” she says softly, but her heart pangs with the thought. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?” She sits next to him, taking his hand in hers, reassuring him.

He takes a breath, “Well, when we first met, I thought he was a little…arrogant…but, I found it hot…And that scared me.” He bites his lip, “Well, he was always nice to me and I took that as he was interested…”

Cordelia frowns as Yuta starts to tear up and pulls him closer, “Take your time.”

He takes a breath, “I was gonna tell him,” he whispers, “And then…she…” Oh no. “She was hanging off him like a fucking tree and I…I left.” He shakes his head, “I couldn’t stand being around him after that. Even today, at the zoo, I felt like at any moment, I was either going to snap or puke. That’s why I’m glad Johnny came along to distract him…”

“You don’t even wanna be around him anymore, Yu? Is he still with her?”

“No, he dumped her, but I can’t look at him. He was so happy with her and he barely even laughs at my jokes or smiles at me. It’s like he hates me for something I have no recollection of doing and it hurts so much,” he starts to cry, curling into her. “He d-doesn’t even li-ike me.”

“Oh, oh,” she smooths his hair, kissing his head, “Some things aren’t always meant to be. Maybe it was better this way, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now,” he tries to soothe him, holding him tightly. “He’s a good guy, but not the one for you.”

“But, I want him to be,” he says in the smallest voice Cordelia has ever heard and it breaks her heart to see anyone hurting like this. She cradles him and tries to soothe him, but knows nothing she says will truly help him. Heartbreak is a hell of a sickness.

After a while, the crying subsides and he sits up, “Can we do something fun? Like play a board game? I don’t wanna think about him.”

Cordelia nods and jogs upstairs to get a board game coming back with monopoly, nothing too deep and that will take enough time to take his mind off things. She sets it up and smiles, “You wanna order a pizza for dinner?”

He sniffles and nods, “With olives please?”

“Sure,” she pecks his head and goes to order, watching him as he shuffles the little decks then sorts the properties and money out, taking his mind off Ten for a moment. It had to kill. She couldn’t imagine if Johnny has been with another girl. God, she’d have been devastated. She shakes her head as the phone picks up and she orders, getting extra olives for Yuta before thanking them and hanging up, heading back to Yuta. She sits across from him and smiles, “You can go first, Yu.”

He rolls and moves his piece, glancing up at her as she goes before finally he breaks his silence, “What happened…?”

“With Johnny?” She asks, voice catching slightly, “He ghosted me.”

“No…It wasn’t just that…”

“And why do you think that?”

“Because I’ve seen people get ghosted. It’s not the same type of hurt you experienced…”

She gets quiet, “You know, you’re too smart for your own good, Yu.”

“Yeah, so what happened, Cor?”

She sighs and plays with the bills in her hand, “I…I was having a bad day after Fiji died and…and I asked Johnny to come over. Everyone else was busy and I really needed a friend.” She shrugs, “I guess I wasn’t thinking anything was gonna happen between us, so maybe we could be friends…So, he came over and comforted me-“

“Did he take advantage of you?!”

She puts a finger up, “This is just the beginning, sweetie,” she chuckles. “He said he wanted to take me out and get my mind off things. So, I agreed. We went to Chicago and he was super sweet.” She starts to reminisce and smiles, “We went to the Bean and took photos and then he took me to Chinatown and god, it was so pretty…We went looking in the shops…and then we went for food. He made me try fish, the dick! And made fun of me for my orange chicken.” She shakes her head, chuckling, “I made these…walrus tusks with chopsticks and he nearly had tea coming out of his nose…”

“Then we went to Karaoke and I made him do Barbie Girl with me and I’ll admit, I was teasing him a bit, but he never needed to know that, ya know? His face was reward enough…Then we went bowling and I won…And I remember taking a taxi back to the Bean and the lights were so beautiful as we were walking and I was giving him shit and then…” She chokes back a sob.

“Then?” Yuta moves over to hug her.

“He kissed me. But not just kissed me. It was a real kiss. A meaningful kiss…we somehow ended up back at his car and in the backseat…he was doing things to me that I never thought was possible with just kissing…” She sighs softly, “He suggested we go home and I agreed. We came back here…we…w-we…” She whimpers and covers her mouth, “I g-gave him my virginity that night and it was…perfect…I-I asked him to stay and he said he would…but…”

“Oh, no…”

“He left,” she whispers. “No note. No text…” She sniffles, “He just…left me there with…with…nothing…” She shrinks into him and cries into his chest and shakes her head. “I never told anyone…”

“Cor, why?”

“Because it was my fault! I didn’t want anyone to think he…forced me.” She admits, leaning heavily on him. “He doesn’t deserve anyone being mad at him.”

“But, he-“

“But nothing. I didn’t want this to be a big deal. I just had too much to drink last night and it blew up. He has nothing to be sorry for. He didn’t actually want me,” she sits up and wipes her eyes, sniffling, “And that’s okay.”

“I don’t understand how you can just snap right back.”

“It’s hard, but I’ll be okay, ya know?” She sighs and nuzzles him, “Your turn, by the way. I’m gonna go get us drinks. Soda or alcohol?”

“Alcohol, please?”

She gets up and her stomach is churning, so she fishes out her tequila to take a shot and settle her nerves, then makes them drinks, bringing them back and plopping back down. She nods, “You landed on the property. Wanna buy it?”

“You know what? Yeah, Fuck it.”

She laughs and hands it over, taking his “money,” and the two play for about another twenty, getting progressively drunker before the doorbell rings and she goes to get it, giggling as she tips the guy and shuts the door. “Piz-Oops,” she opens the door again and grabs the pizza, then shuts it again, sitting back down, “Mmm, it smells good.”

“It does! I’ll get plates!” He runs to the kitchen to grab plates and silverware, coming back and smiling as she’s turning on music. “What are we listening to?”

“Anything!” She puts on a shuffle and lays on her back, feet climbing the wall as she eats a slice, “…What would you say if you told Ten?”

He lays next to her, mimicking her position, “I dunno…maybe just…Hey, I have to tell you that I’ve thought you were cute and the sweetest person since the say I met you and really want to hold your hand and kiss you and stuff.”

She giggles, “You’re adorable.”

“How I think about him holding me at night and coming to see me during the day and going on dates and singing together to karaoke in the car…”

She sighs, “I know that feeling.”

“…Did you…love him?”

“…Yeah, I did. I really did. I didn’t know it until that night. But, it wasn’t…normal. We weren’t dating. We were just casually talking…And not even talking talking, just normal conversations.” She sighs, “I…Yeah, I loved him.”

“What’s it like? To be in love?”

“It’s…beautiful…Everything is clearer and brighter and their laughter is the best sound and their smile can make anything seem better and when they hold you…god, when he held me,” she sniffles, “It’s unlike anything else…” She takes a deep breath, “Do you think you were in love with Ten?”

“Maybe?” He sighs and shakes his head, “ I never got close enough to know for sure…maybe I was falling…”

“Falling in love is nice, too,” she muses and sits up to sip her drink, sighing, “You should tell him. Worst he can do is stop talking to you. And then, we can make jackets,” she snorts, Yuta letting out a laugh, shaking his head. “But, really. I think it’d be therapeutic for you to do so.”

“…I’ll think about it…But only if you think about telling Johnny.”

“That won’t do any good, Yu.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Your brain works in weird ways, you know that?” She chuckles, “What? He’s gonna magically be in love with me and everything’s okay?”

“Yes!”

“I wish!”

“I mean, I saw how he was looking at you today and it was…pretty telling. He was looking at you like you’d kicked his dog. But, his eyes were also shining. He has feelings for you, Cordelia. Really. I promise.”

“See, but what if you misunderstood it? I’ve done that before and it’s not fun,” she sighs and drops her head, “I just wanna know what it was that made him run away like that is all.”

“Maybe it wasn’t you. Maybe he just panicked over his feelings.”

“…Maybe, but it’s done, now. We slept together…You can’t get that back, ya know?” She bites her lip.

“Do you really regret it?”

“I regret the aftermath…I don’t it being with Johnny or happening how it did. I felt loved. But, after…no one should have to experience that.”

He gives her a one-armed hug and lets it stop at that, eating their pizza and singing along to Zombie by The Cranberries, polishing off their drinks before Yuta starts to get sleepy and blinks at her, “Can we snuggle? I don’t feel like asking someone to come and get me.”

“Of course,” she laughs and turns off the music, “Come on, we can clean up tomorrow.” She stands and takes his hand, pulling him up and taking him upstairs, getting into her pjs, comfortable around Yuta as she gives him something to wear.

He crawls into bed with her and cuddles up, “Night, Cordelia…Thank you…for everything.”

“Of course. Goodnight, Yuta.”


	5. Every Argument, Every Word You Can't Take Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia breaks after Johnny finally confronts her.

“Yu, I gotta get up,” she kisses his head as they snuggle, “C'mon.”

“Noooo, I'm comfy and we have nothing to do today,” Yuta snuggles up to her.

“Sweetie, please, at least let me shower?” She laughs.

“Fiiiine,” he huffs and lets her up.

Cordelia heads to the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror, feeling odd. She'd been numb for a bit now. No longer caring about Johnny or anyone else, but Yuta and their friends.

She lets her hair down from the bun and slowly undresses, looking at herself, feeling Johnny's fingers everywhere they touched her. She sniffles and runs her hand over the bruise, then looks at her hand, the one he'd held all night. She lets out a shaky breath before darting to the toilet, retching into the bowl, falling to her knees.

“Oh, Cordy, not again!” Yuta runs to hold her hair back, cradling her naked form. “It's okay, don't think about him anymore.” He says softly, kissing her head and smoothing her hair as she sobs.

After a bit, Cordelia stands up, with the help of Yuta and he gets her in the shower. “You gonna be okay?” He asks softly.

“Yeah…” She sighs, “I'll be okay.” But as soon as he leaves, she breaks, sobbing in the shower, tears mixing with the water. Everything hurt. The numbness only ever lasted so long.

Her body moves on autopilot, washing her hair and scrubbing harder than necessary to get clean. She was sure she'd always feel his hands and that thought terrified Cordelia.

Cordelia sighs as she's about to get out of the shower, when she realizes her towel isn't hanging where it should. She calls for Yuta, pouting at him, “I forgot my towel. Can you get it for me?” She calls over the running water, not wanting to get cold in the air while she's wet.

“It's just us, why not just go to your room?”

“Because I have wood floors and don't wanna ruin them and I know neither of us will dry it, so please?”

“Cor,” he pouts, “I don't wanna have to search for-” he gasps as water is splashed his way, “Hey!” He gasps and charges her, but gets sprayed instead by a cackling Cordelia, “FINE!” He laughs and runs out, bringing back her towel.

She hears the doorbell and looks at him, smiling, “One last favour?” Then gets hit in the face woth Yuta's wet shirt. “Thank you!”

Yuta runs down to answer, before his body goes rigid, “Johnny,” he nods his head at him, “Hi.”

“Hi. Is Cordelia here? I need to talk to her.” He looks over him, anger rising in his body.

But his blood reaches its boiling point as Cordelia descends the steps in her robe, wet hair falling, then she stops dead. “Johnny…”

“Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!” Johnny growls and shoves passed Yuta, into the living room.

“Hey-”

“Yuta, go upstairs, I'll handle this,” she steps down and right in front of Johnny, holding his glare and Yuta runs up to her room.

“What? Gotta protect your little boyfriend? Scared I might hurt him?”

She glares harder, “Why would you, huh? Why hurt him?”

“Cordelia, don't get on my nerves.”

“Or what?! You'll give me a deliberate bruise this time?” She shoves him.

He steadies himself a few feet away, “How dare you sleep with him! How dare you sleep with my friend!”

“He's my friend, too!”

“That doesn't give you an excuse to whore around with him, does it?”

She smacks him across the face, “Don't call me that, you bastard!”

“But, you are! You sleep with me, then start sleeping with Yuta. Who else have you slept with? Were you just lying about being a virgin? I bet you were. Didn't even want me to try to open you u-”

“DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE! YOU DON'T GET TO TALK ABOUT THAT!” She starts crying.

“Why?! You liked it, then! You'd probably like it, now! So, go! Fuck Yuta in the same bed that you fucked me!”

She sobs brokenly, “WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!”

“MY PROBLEM?! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, HUH?! ALL OVER EVERYONE IN OUR GROUP! SHIT, YOU PROBABLY TRIED TO FUCK MARK, TOO!”

“You piece of shit,” she whispers and smacks him hard, shaking her head. “You have no right. _You_ broke _my_ heart, remember?!”

“ _I_ broke _your heart_?!” He snaps, tears now brimming in his eyes. “What about you? You were doing nothing but flirting with me all night. And it's not like you didn't want it. With the noises you were making? No. You wanted it.”

“SHUT UP!” She screams and sobs, “I can't ever get that back because of you! You took it and you left me there! You fucking left me alone in bed after you took my virginity and you want to talk about me _flirting_ with you?! Can you be more arrogant?!”

“I left because you didn't say it back! You didn't say a goddamn thing and you broke my heart! You just fell asleep, like I never said it!”

“What are you talking about?!”

“Don't do that, you bitch.”

“Do what?!”

“You have already ripped my heart three times, now! What else do you want, huh?! Want me to beg for you to forgive me? HOW ABOUT YOU START APOLOGIZING!”

Cordelia shrinks, scared now, “Apologize for what?”

“DON'T PLAY THAT GAME!”

“I'm not! I don't know what you're talking about, Johnny!”

“Fine. Play coy. I was in that bed with you. We were connected and,” he's crying now, “I told you. I told you those words. When I was...and you just...you didn't give me any reply!”

“...Johnny, what did you say?”

“Something I'll never say to you again,” he glares, “I'll move out, soon. You won't have to see me.” He growls and walks out, slamming the door.

Cordelia jumps and wraps her robe tighter around herself, sobbing before she shakily walks up the stairs, finding Yuta.

“Cordelia?” He runs to her, “Did he touch you? I called Jaehyun. He's coming.”

She crumbles, falling to the floor as he holds her, “He...he…”

“Cordelia, what happened?” He asks worriedly, the words having been distorted.

“I...I don't-”

_Cordelia's breath is coming fast now and she feels Johnny move and pulse inside her. She arches off the bed, gripping him, feeling herself get close to that moment of intense pleasure again._

_She'd never felt like this in her entire life and she doesn't ever want it to end. Just wanted this forever. Johnny and her. Forever._

_She looks at him then, his face one of ecstasy and she suddenly feels like she's not breathing, his eyes half-lidded and mouth hanging open. She thinks she could stare at him like that forever. The most beautiful sight she'd ever seen._

_Her heart thumps as she climaxes again, nails raking down his back, teeth sinking into his shoulder. And then he's groaning, something Cordelia can't hear clearly._

_Something Johnny desperately wanted her to hear._

_Something he needed her to hear._

Cordelia shuts her eyes tight, struggling to hear what he'd said, even as Jaehyun runs in the room, calling her name worriedly and dropping hold her with Yuta.

She feels her heart snap as it becomes clear.

_“I love you,” Johnny groans out, raw and true into her ear, her heart blocking it out._

She throws her head back and lets out a shriek that would hurt anyone who'd heard it. It was pain. Sadness. Remorse. Heartbreak.

Jaehyun stares, stunned as she collapses into the fetal position, sobbing. “Yuta...what happened?” He asks seriously.

“I don't know. She won't answer me. I don't think he did anything physically to her. He just yelled at her. They fought. I couldn't hear it.” He sighs. “I should've stayed down there.”

“No, you did just fine, Yuta,” he sighs, “This isn't on you,” he grabs his phone and dials, holding it to his ear, “H-hey, sweetheart, it's me. Can you come over to Cordelia's?...Just hurry...Okay, bye.” He hangs up, “Kiara's on her way.”

Everything after that happens in a blur, Cordelia bolting out of the room, robe slightly falling as she tries to get away. Not being able to take it anymore. She can't pretend to be okay, anymore. She drops in her kitchen and digs through the liquor cabinet, desperately searching for anything to make the pain stop and go away. Make it stop. She grabs a random bottle and hurriedly gulps some of it, burning her throat and numbing her all at once.

Jaehyun is next to her in a few seconds, taking the bottle from her as she tries to fight against him, “No, Cordelia. I won’t let you do it again! You are going to beat this!” He shakes his head and pulls her up, taking her to the couch to wait for Kiara, asking her what happened, but she’s silent as a zombie, staring off into space.

Yuta paces slightly, watching her, trying to rack his brain for anything he could’ve made out, but it was all muffled, especially when he was on the phone with Jaehyun, nothing clear to him. The only thing to make it worse is that he knew what happened that night…though, he obviously didn’t get the whole story. He runs to get the door when Kiara arrives and points to a catatonic Cordelia, robe off one shoulder, eyes red, mouth set in a thin line. Empty.

Kiara sits and takes her hand carefully, pulling her into a hug and singing to her softly, but it doesn’t change her expression or the rigidness of her body. “Cor, c’mon, tell me what happened. Please. We’re so worried.” She gets nothing in response but a blink of her eyelids, but even that means nothing. “She was drinking before I got here, I take it?” She asks and Jaehyun nods, sighing and she nods, “Give me the bottle.”

He frowns but does as he’s told and Kiara coaxes it between Cordelia’s lips and lets her drink and slowly she begins to visibly thaw out, much to everyone’s relief, except for the cause of it. Nobody liked when she drank, it reminded them of how much they could lose with her. Kiara lowers the bottle and snuggles her friend, “It’s okay, take your time. We’re all here for you.”

Cordelia’s head is spinning and if it wasn’t for Kiara, she’d be on the floor by now. She wasn’t sure if her legs would ever work again. And she felt heavy. Everything weighing on her, the alcohol intensifying it, making it worse. But, making it better, all the same. She blinks a few times and sees the neon lights, the foggy windows, how he looked at her like she hung the moon. How could she not have known? How could she have been so fucking stupid?

He loved you. And you fucked it all up. You had him. He wanted you. But, you couldn’t have gotten one thing right. He was everything she wanted, especially that night, it was all so perfect and the stars had seemed to have aligned specifically for them, yet here they were.

She no longer blamed Johnny. It wasn’t his fault she was an idiot. It wasn’t his fault that she would protect her friends over herself. It wasn’t his fault that she gave her first time to him. It wasn’t his fault at all. Nothing was.

She blinks a few more times again and this time looks around at them, before she takes another swig, steadying herself, then giving the bottle to Kiara and waving it away. Kiara takes it back to the kitchen and Jaehyun takes her spot beside Cordelia on the couch.

_“I love you.” She hears again._

_“I love you.” It was so clear now. How did she miss it?_

_“I love you.” Johnny in her ear._

_“I love you.” Johnny, surrounding her, keeping her safe and happy._

_“I love you.” Johnny slipping away._

She sniffles and lays on her side, Jaehyun situating her head in his lap and stroking her hair as he looks up at Yuta and Kiara worriedly, unsure of what might happen next. Then, Cordelia starts to clear her throat and there’s a few tears on her cheeks that Yuta moves quickly to wipe away, “Cor?”

She blinks up, teary eyed and drained, “He loved me, Yu.”


	6. I Wanna Regret You, I Can't Give You Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny tries to forget, but can't seem to get her off his mind. Even when he's with somebody else.

Johnny storms home after leaving the scene at Cordelia’s house, “THAT BITCH!” He yells to himself as he walks back to his place, slamming the door shut behind him, heading to his bedroom, “Of course she’d fuck him! It wasn’t like we meant a goddamn thing!” He changes his clothes, something he would be more comfortable in than jeans and a long sleeve, deciding on joggers and a t-shirt before he grabs his car keys and leaves the house, not even bothering to lock up. He speeds out, passing a familiar car, but not registering it as he goes, seeing only red and locked onto something to distract him.

He stops off at a bar and gets out, walking in and ordering a beer, downing it. And then, another. And, another. He loses count after that, just throwing them back. He slams the heel of his hand against his forehead and groans, shaking his head. Then, he feels a hand on his shoulder and a sweet voice, “Hey, you okay, hun?”

He looks up at the voice, a blonde with big brown eyes and a red lip that could kill. He swallows thickly and shakes his head, “Not really.”

“Wanna talk about it?” She sits next to him and touches his arm.

“…My…this girl I loved…she’s with one of my friends, now.” He says, slumping a bit.

“Were you and this friend close?”

“Extremely,” he pushes his hair back and laughs, “And we just were together a few weeks ago. But, that bitch couldn’t even say she loved me back. Didn’t even fucking respond!” He smacks the counter, getting a pointed look from the bartender.

“Calm down,” she says softly, “Look at me. It’s okay.” She smiles softly and her hand moves to his knee, giving it a squeeze.

His eyes flicker down at the hand and then back up and he leans forward, kissing her, shutting his eyes tight as her hand moves to his thigh. He takes the green light and breaks the kiss, standing, “Do you live close to here?”

“I’ll take us,” she nods and takes his hand, pulling him out of the bar after he pays his tab, leading him to her car and getting him inside before she gets in and drives off, putting her hand on his thigh. He leans into it, letting her hand inch higher until it ends up just over the crotch of his joggers.

He lets her hand work over him until they reach her place, then he’s out of the car and following her inside, picking her up and finding the first surface he can, the kitchen counter and setting her on it, legs wrapped around his waist. He kisses her hard and nips at her lips, cupping her face as he does, her hands working up his shirt and trying to tug it off. She finally breaks from the kiss and gets the shirt off, tossing it away, then slips off the counter and to her knees, pulling the joggers down with her. His head falls back and he cups her head as she mouths him over his briefs, “Go ahead. Don’t be shy.” He looks down and his stomach churns because her hair isn’t blonde anymore, it’s brown and that just isn’t fair. He shuts his eyes tight and lets her pulls away the briefs to take his softness into her mouth, trying not to think about who he’d rather be with at that moment. He chances another look down and when she looks up, he fists her hair, eyes no longer brown but a bright blue, staring up at him, freckled cheeks hollowed out as she takes him down.

Cordelia.

No. This wasn’t her.

He steadies himself and tries to enjoy it with the blonde, really he does, but he just can’t. Not picturing Cordelia makes him soft and he just needed this. He groans and lets his head fall back again as she takes care of him. He lets his mind wander back to that night and he bites his lip, remembering everything he could in his current state.

The curve of her body as she arched in the backseat of the car. The way she breathed his name out as he kissed her neck. How her body jumped when he held her down by the wrists. Her eyes wide and sparkling as he crawled over her in the bed. The way she looked underneath her usual baggy, boyish clothes. Fuck, her body. Not exactly small and perfect, but he didn’t mind that at all.

He tugs the blonde’s hair gently as he remembers how soft her breasts were against his lips, a sharp contrast to her hard nipples as he passed them. Her thick thighs spreading apart for him and how wet she’d been just from that. The sounds she made while she writhed under his tongue and came so quickly from it. He pulls the blonde off and up to her feet, kissing her hard again. His voice comes out as a low growl, “Get up on the counter,” but he doesn’t actually give her the chance to and just lifts her onto it himself. She works quickly to try to remove her underwear, but he just moves them aside and positions, looking at her to make sure.

The face that looks back at him is no longer even slightly similar to the one he met in the bar, but at this point, he doesn’t care. He gets the nod from her and pushes in, whimpering at the heat encasing him, almost exactly the way it felt that night. She’d been so wet, so warm, so tight. He grips her hips and buries his face in her neck, but he can’t seem to move other than that. He groans to himself as he remembers how she moved against him and how she clawed down his back when she came and bit at his neck. Then, he’s said those three words to her. Right as he finished into her, feeling like he was in complete ecstasy.

He pulls out and sighs, “I…I can’t do this…” He shakes his head, “I…I have to go, I’m sorry.” He pulls up his pants and runs out, ending up throwing up on the sidewalk outside. He groans and stumbles along, looking around as he wanders until the area looks familiar and he turns down Mark’s street, finding his friend’s house. He walks up and fumbles with his keys before letting himself in and walking up to Mark’s room, stumbling up, “STAIRS!” He groans as he catches himself.

He throws open the door to mark’s room, “SLUT!” Then walks back out and heads into Taeyong’s empty room, standing there, before shouting, “I don’t live here!” And continues downstairs, Taeyong staring at him nervously as Mark follows him down.

“Johnny? What are you talking about?”

“You both will be very happy to know that she is sleeping with Yuta! Cordelia is sleeping with Yuta!”

“Johnny, come on, no she’s no-“

“She is! I confronted her and she didn’t deny it!”

“Dude, you’re drunk and there’s no way she would do that to you.”

“I may be drunk but I know what she said. She is sleeping with him!”

Mark sighs and squeezes his shoulder, “Hey, now…What exactly did she say?”

“I don’t remember! But she never said she wasn’t sleeping with Yuta! She was fucking him when I got there to try to talk to her. To tell her I loved her!”

“…You what?” Taeyong asks, looking up, frowning. “Johnny…”

“I loved her and she just wanted me for sex! That’s it and now she’s moved onto Yuta and then she’ll probably move onto Jungwoo and Haechan and who knows, maybe she’ll even try to get with you two and then she’ll leave us all in the dust and break the rest of your hearts, because that’s just what she does! She’s a slut! And a bitch! And I hate her!”

“You don’t mean that,” Mark mumbles and earns a death glare.

“Yes, I do. I hate how she made me feel that night. I hate how much she can make me laugh. I hate how pretty she is. I hate the way she says my name. I hate that she kissed me back. I hate how good she looks naked. I hate how she felt around my cock. I hate how much she liked it. I hate that I ever said those fucking words to her.”

“…Johnny, when did you two sleep together…?” Mark asks.

“Three weeks ago! Her shark at work died and I just wanted to comfort her and take her to Chicago, but then we kissed and I couldn’t control myself. She let me in and I took the chance. We were terrific together and that scared the shit out of me!” He slumps on the couch.

Taeyong looks at Mark and just scoots over to comfort Johnny, rubbing his back, “Hey, man. It’s okay…”

“I lost my car and I was with someone else, Taeyong. How is that okay?! I’m a wreck and it’s all her fault! I couldn’t even fuck someone without thinking of her, but she’s banging my friends in the same bed she gave herself to me in. How is that fucking okay?! Huh?!”

“Dude! Don’t yell at him. He’s not who you’re mad at,” Mark snaps slightly and gives Taeyong an apologetic look before sitting on the other side of Johnny, “What do you mean you were with someone else? When?”

“Right now!” He then fumbles to pull his length out, “See!” He’s now completely soft, but with smears of red lipstick decorating him.

“DUDE!” Mark cries and covers his eyes, Taeyong having jerked his head away from the sight and Johnny packs himself back away. “Johnny, seriously, don’t ever do that again.”

“…She was pretty, too. But I couldn’t get it up unless I was thinking of her and then it didn’t feel right, so I left after one of the best blowjobs of my life and now, I’m here and god, why is this so hard?”

“Because you’re heartbroken,” Taeyong piped up. “It’s not your fault, but it’s also not all her fault. You two just need to sit down with a middle person and talk things out. Okay?”

“No! She won’t ever agree to it! She won’t even look at me now, I’m sure.” Johnny grumps, crossing his arms and frowning.

“You don’t know th-“

“I’m moving out.”

“What?” Taeyong frowns.

“I told her I’d move out after I caught her with Yuta.”

“Why did you do that?!” Mark smacks his arm.

“Ow! Because!” He shakes his head, “I refuse to live next to someone that can just move on after snapping someone’s heart in half like that!”

“I…she seemed pretty messed up, too,” Mark says carefully.

“Because I left her after her supposed first time? She just plays the victim, it seems.”

“Don’t. You don’t know the whole truth for sure,” Taeyong says, “Her friends are still our friends and so is she and so are you. We can’t take sides on this. We can only help you both.”  
“Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn’t be helped. Nothing is gonna happen between us now, so what’s the fucking point, huh?” He laughs and gets up, shaking his head. “There’s no point in it.” The alcohol starts to hit and he stumbles, Mark rushing to catch him.

“Maybe you should just stay here?”

“Will you help me move tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure, buddy.” He nods and drags him upstairs with Taeyong’s help, getting him into Mark’s bed and getting his shoes off. “Are you gonna be okay? Do you need water?”

“I’m fine, Mark. I am.”

“Okay…well, you let us know if you need anything, okay?” He sighs and heads out, but before he closes the door, he hears his name being called in a quiet voice.

“Mark?” Johnny whispers from where he’s huddled under the blankets.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“I need her.”

“…I know, John. I’m sorry.”

Johnny wouldn’t let him see it, but as Mark closes the door, the tears start and Johnny isn’t sure when he falls asleep that night, but he knows he was crying when it happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspo for the second to last scene is season 4, episode 13 of f.r.i.e.n.d.s., the scene when chandler comes home drunk


	7. Where Are You And I Am So Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny made a big mistake.

Johnny wakes with a start as he hears the yelling downstairs, eyebrows furrowing slightly, “What’s going on…” He gets up, frowning as he walks to the stairs to go down and look, only to be charged by two very angry looking girls, that he knew were Lyn and Phoenix. He turns and bolts back to the room, only to be tackled by their combined force with a yelp, “Hey! What the hell?!”

He receives a firm smack to the back of the head before the girls let him up, “You asshole!” Lyn growls, “How dare you!”

“What did I do, now?!” He rubs the back of his head.

“You never call our girl a slut! Never!” Lyn steps up again, but Phoenix holds her arm.

“…What?”

“We heard you! Maybe check your surroundings, you jackass,” Phoenix snaps. “Taeyong was facetiming with us when you came home on your rant…”

“Oh no…”

“Yeah. Maybe next time, you’ll think.” Then she lets go of Lyn who stomps over and smacks him hard across the face. “She was a virgin, you jackass. Until you.” She growls and takes Phoenix’s hand as they walk out.

Johnny rubs his cheek and shakes his head, sighing as he walks downstairs, to the prying eyes of Mark, Taeyong, Lyn, Phoenix, Seren and Athena. “I’m…sorry. I was drunk last night and…I…I just needed to be angry.”

“…Did you two…really?” Seren asks softly

“…Yeah. We did….Seren, I-“

“Save it. I have to go see her.” She says and takes off.

He groans, “Guys, really, it wasn’t like I forced it on her. You can ask her.” He says with a sigh, “I would never do that.”

“We know that, Johnny, but…you still said what you said,” Mark sighs.

“I didn’t mean it, I was drunk,” he groans.

“You’re more honest when drunk,” Lyn snaps at him, glaring, nearly growling at him.

“Okay, okay, look, I was pissed at her. She started sleeping with one of my best friends all because she thinks I broke her heart.”

“Thinks?!”

“I didn’t break her heart, Lyn! She broke mine! It’s not fair that she’s the only one who can be a victim! I got my heart broken too, okay?!”

The room goes quiet and Taeyong touches Johnny’s arm, “We’re sorry for not taking you into consideration, too.”

“Yeah, we’re sorry,” Mark says softly, looking at his feet. “What happened, John?”

“I told her I loved her…She didn’t say anything at all back. How’s that for a broken heart?” He shake shis head and gets a glass of water, “We…were together and I thought it was special, but she…left me hanging, just asked me to stay, didn’t even have the courtesy to acknowledge it.”

“Maybe that was how she acknowledged it? Asking you to stay?”

“No. She looked like it never happened. Like we were just there to fuck and say goodnight.” He slumps against the counter, “Not even a second thought about it. She tore my heart out and stomped on it that night. Letting me believe I ever stood a chance to be with her. It was cruel and heartless and I truly hope she has to live everyday with what she did to me. To us. She deserves what she gets from this.”

“Don’t say that,” Athena finally speaks, “Don’t talk about her like a villain! I’ve heard her talk about you! There was more than likely a reason she didn’t say it, you dumb fuck! She gets scared! Nervous! Maybe she wasn’t ready. Did you ever stop and pull your head out of your ass for two seconds to take that into consideration?! No. You left a girl alone in her bed after her first time and let her act like everything was fine! You knew she was hurting, but you were too busy being this huge prick!”

“Athe-“

“No! Don’t fucking talk! You don’t get the right to call her a slut and be angry when you don’t know the whole story! I saw her with Yuta yesterday, too! That wasn’t her flirting! She was comforting him! I should know, she helped me with things, too. He’s struggling and you don’t even know why. You’re so self-absorbed and caught up in what it means to sleep with someone that the girl you swear you love and a good friend are hurting together and you can’t see it. That’s just sad and pathetic.”

“You resorted to calling her cruel names behind her back and sleeping with other women!” She snaps again, breaking away from the group to stand in front of him, “You don’t deserve our sympathy until you can give her your own! She didn’t want anyone to bad mouth you or talk to you because she said you were a good guy! It’s not fair to her either, Johnny. Maybe look around every once in a while.”

Taeyong frowns and follows Athena as she rushes out, shaking her head angrily, Johnny about to follow before he gets nailed in the gut by Lyn’s fist, “Don’t even think about talking to her, you prick. I’ll hurt you worse if you harass her or Cor. Promise.” She grabs Phoenix’s hand and walks out with her.

Mark sighs and helps him stand, “You okay, man?”

“I…Yeah, she’s small, just caught me off-guard.” He looks down, “…Do you think maybe I should try talking to her again?”

“Maybe later…for right now, just clear your head, okay? Everyone’s really tense right now.”

“Yeah…I’m gonna shower and go for a walk, okay?” He pats his friend’s arm and heads up to use his shower, staring at the tiled wall as he does, mumbling to himself, “Could she have wanted me to stay because she loved me? Just couldn’t say it? ...But why would she ignore me? …Well, you did, too.” He sighs and steps out after he’s showered, redressing and heading out, waving at Mark.

He starts down the street, looking around, thinking of the times he had come here to see his friends, just a few blocks away was where the yearly fair was held…where he saw Cordelia again. She was so embarrassed, he remembers, the poor girl. She wanted to kill him that day, but he just wanted to get to know the girl who called her dog scrumptious and had a squeaky voice. He remembers the picture he took that day was her contact photo and it made his heart ache, god he missed her.

With some wrong turns, he finds the bar and gets his car, driving home, letting out a whimper as Ho Hey comes on the radio. Cordelia. Everything lately was her. He parks and gets out, heading to her place, knocking, “Cordelia? Let me in?” She was home, Betty was in the driveway. She always drove. “Cordelia, please…” Without really thinking, he finds the fish shaped rock and gets her extra key from it, letting himself in. “Cordelia?”

It’s quiet when he enters and he looks around, frowning. Where was she? Where was Ruckus? He walks passed the living room and into the kitchen, frowning as he sees the empty bottle near the sink, that was not from the night before. “Shit,” he turns around, heading upstairs, “Just say if you can hear me, Cor. Really.” He gets to her room and knocks, waiting a few seconds before going in.

Spot less. Almost like she’d never been there. Which was especially odd, considering she never cleaned, so what was going on? He walks in, spotting the book on her bedside table, one he’d gotten her after he watched her eye it during a browsing section at a used bookstore they stopped into during a coffee run. He picks it up, remembering the conversation, smiling sadly.

_“Why not just buy it?” Johnny laughs as he turns the book over in his hands._

_“Because I have no self-control as it is. I don’t need a new book. If I really need it, it’ll make its way to me.” She says, tracing the spines down the aisle of books._

_“Seems like self-control to me.”_

_“Sounds like no shelf space to me.”_

_Johnny laughs and hides the book from her sight and pretends to be interested in another, “Oh, I think I found one I wanna buy.”_

_“Please buy it! I can live vicariously!” She bounces and clutches his arm._

_“Okay, okay,” Johnny smiles and leads her to the check-out desk, watching her occupy herself with looking at the trinkets they sold there as he buys both books. “Thank you…Ready, Coral?”_

_“You bet!” She takes his arm as they walk out, smiling at him as they go, chatting about these cute trinkets she saw and how she wanted a bunch of them, making their way home. She lets him into her house and says hi to Ruckus._

_“Hey, Coral,” He says, pulling the book out, “Look at this!”_

_Cordelia turns with a smile then gasps, “You bought it?!”_

_“Yep! You really looked like it was meant for you!”_

_She smiles wider and kisses his cheek, “Thanks, Suhshine.”_

He touches his cheek and puts the book down, sighing as he looks around, spotting an obnoxious red ribbon on her corkboard. The karaoke night they’d won with their annoying Old Town Road duet, where everyone booed them off the stage, but gave them first place. He walks over and strokes it gently, chuckling to himself, “She always did look good in red…”

What his catches his attention next is her CD collection and he smiles to himself, pulling out the Simple Plan case which really held the soundtrack to a movie called Road Trip, which they danced to. He loved that night. It was late and Cordelia was bored and needed someone to come over, but everyone else was busy, so she sent a bunch of paper balls at his bedroom window asking him to come over. He agreed and drank a bit with her, watching her do air guitar and sing off-key, before he got up to do it with her, the two bouncing around like idiots. He puts in her stereo and turns it on whatever song was played last which happened to be Voodoo Lady by Ween, Cordelia’s favourite off the CD.

He hums along to the lyrics as he walks around the room, noticing some clothes missing from her closet, like her favourite hat and her comfy band t-shirts. Not to mention, a few books from her bookshelf are obviously gone, the gaps giving it away, though Johnny can’t think of what they would be. Her laptop is there, poised on her desk with its stickers of TV characters and environmental health campaigns, very much reflecting her.

He turns his attention to her bed finally, shaking his head as he gently drags his fingers over the comforter, remembering the way she said his name in his ear. How she looked even more beautiful in that one single moment than any other, probably ever. He touches the pillow and sucks in a shaky breath, wiping at his tears. He’s left her head there on its own as he snuck out. He’d felt sick laying there.

_“Stay?” She’d asked so softly as he was pulling out that there was no way to deny her._

_But why hadn’t she said anything? He takes a breath and spoons her, holding her close, taking in her closeness. Maybe he just hadn’t heard her? Yeah! That had to be it!_

_Or maybe it was just sex for her, Johnny._

_Maybe that’s all your good for in her eyes._

_He tried to block out the voice, but finds himself carefully removing himself from the bed and standing, getting dressed quietly. He walks to the doorframe and turns around, “I love you…” He whispers before he leaves the house and goes back to his, getting into his own bed and crying softly._

_She didn’t love him._

Johnny shakes his head and backs up, grabbing his phone and calling Seren, “Where is she?” He says as soon as she picks up the phone.

“I don’t know.”

“You were here!”

“I was, but she wasn’t…I cleaned up her room…”

“…Ren, do you have any i-“

“No. I wouldn’t tell you, though. Bye, John.”

He groans at the sound of her hanging up and drops his head, curling up inn her bed, kicking his shoes off and cradling her pillow. It smelled like mint, like Cordelia’s hair. He sniffles and hugs it closer before the damn breaks and he sobs into her pillow, “Come back. Come back. Come back. I’m sorry.”

But the door never opened, for hours as Johnny cried himself dry.

He gets up finally and leaves, locking up.

She was gone for real this time and he needed to just accept that.

Acceptance was key, he told himself as he fell asleep next to the window, waiting for any sign.

None came.


	8. Look Me In The Heart And Tell Me You Won't Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia comes back to finish the only step she really needed in the first place.

It was about two weeks after the whole incident and Cordelia was working on herself and her resurfacing addiction. At Kiara’s urging, she now attended meetings and was in therapy, because even if she couldn’t quit drinking completely, she could still get support from those who would listen. She claps for the person whose just sat down and she’s next, “Hi, I’m Cordelia and I’m an alcoholic.” She nods at the chorus of, ‘Hi, Cordelia’s,’ back and continues, “I am two weeks sober and am now on my way to the ninth step of the program…To make amends with those I’ve hurt. I start today,” she smiles and sits back down when the group applauds. But the smile doesn’t reach her eyes.

Johnny. She’d have to see him today…What if he was already gone? Moved out? She wouldn’t know. Kiara had been housesitting while she was in therapy, living In a safer environment, but Kiara would never tell her anything except how her dog was. Which, Cordelia admits, is probably for the better. She spends her days making lists of people she’s hurt and reasons she drinks, reading books and watching Aggretsuko on Netflix just to numb her brain. It was almost too much to take.

She knows that after this she’ll drink again, but she’s grown enough to see how badly her excessive drinking can cause damage. It wasn’t fair to those around her to continue down that path. She looks at the silver chip in her hand, knowing how close she was to the red chip, almost a month. She could make it. It would only be symbolic, but at least it would be hers. She would know that she was able to do it.

She was leaving the program today, as graduating would just be bittersweet and a lie, she just needed help to see how much she’d actually messed things up. Picking at her sweater as she walks back from her group, she starts humming and gets her lunch, a sandwich, fruit, a cookie and some juice. She sits at eats alone, quiet as she pulls her book from her pocket, flipping it open to her page and reading. Anything to distract.

Finishing lunch, she heads to her and another patient’s room, getting into her bed on her side of the room, waving at her roommate, Libby, who just nodded and continued chewing on her hair. She sighs, she couldn’t wait to be out, but she’d met some good people here. She frowns, but knows she has to do it or else it’ll never get better.

“Cordelia,” in pops the head of the orderly, Jason, “Pack your bags, kiddo, you’re out of here.” He grins at her, “Lucky duck.”

She stands and grabs her duffle bag from under her bed, packing away her things, smiling to herself sadly, “Lucky duck.” She turns at the tap on her shoulder. Libby.

“You’re already leaving? I thought you still had more steps left.”

“…Libby, can you keep a secret?”

“Uh huh!” She nods enthusiastically.

“I was only going to step nine since I got here. It’s only symbolic.”

“Why?” She frowns, chewing her hair again and Cordelia could tell she wasn’t nervous for her, she was nervous about being alone.

Cordelia sits her down and puts her arm around her shoulder, “Listen to me, it’s going to be okay. I know it seems like a lot right now, but you’ll be able to push through it, okay? And I’ll write to you, every day and visit weekly?”

“Promise?” She looks at her with big doe eyes.

“Swear on my life.”

“That’s a real promise.”

“Yes, it is,” she kisses her head and stands, continuing to pack. “I’m gonna miss this place, ya know?”

“I wouldn’t. I hate it here. Everything’s white and it always smells like vomit and ammonia.”

“Way to always see the bright side there, Lib.”

Libby giggles and helps Cordelia pack her things, but slips something into the pockets so that Cordelia wouldn’t see, standing back as she tucks away her last item. “All done, then…”

“Yeah, seems so…I guess my friends are waiting for me…” She bites her lip and pulls her bag onto her shoulder before pulling the other girl into a tight hug. “Take care of yourself, okay? You don’t need that shit. You understand me? You’re a better person when you’re sober, you look better, you can actually interact with people, just knock the hair chewing and you’re golden.”

“Golden, huh? Okay, Johnny.”

“See ya, Ponyboy,” she chuckles and tucks her blue, shark-embroidered cap over her head as she walks out, a pang in her chest. Johnny. She’d nearly forgotten; a hard thing to do when it was the only thing on her to-do list.

She walks out of the lobby with a wave and steps outside, looking around to find her friends, Kiara, Jaehyun and Yuta all standing next to Kiara’s car and she runs over, pulled straight into a group hug.

“How was it?” Jaehyun cups her cheeks as they pull back, “How do you feel?”

“Kiara never gave you updates?” She teases, “I’m fine. I just…wanna get today over with. I don’t even know if he’ll wanna see me.” She says as they pile into the car and drive off. She plays with her duffle and blinks as a little bracelet falls out, picking it up and nearly crying. Libby had made it during a craft session, saying it was for one of her favourite people, Cordelia never noticed how many blue beads it had. She slips it on with a smile and sniffles.

“You okay?” Yuta asks softly from beside her, offering his hand which she gladly takes, intertwining their fingers.

“Yeah, just nervous, I guess,” she squeezes his hand. “How is he?”

“Uhm…” Yuta bites his lip, looking nervously into the rearview at Kiara.

“A lot’s happened since you were gone,” Jaehyun finally speaks. “He’s…not been well, but he’s been trying.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Well…We couldn’t tell anyone where you were because it might have delayed you…so he thought you left…just up and gone.”

“You guys didn’t tell anyone I was only gone for a little bit?!”

“We couldn’t! I swear!”

Cordelia groans and slumps, “So, he really has no idea…I need to think about this…”

“That’s okay, it’s an hour drive back, anyway,” Kiara nods at her as she puts in her headphones and curls up.

She shuts her eyes and the memories flood back, the first time she ever saw him she had been sitting out on her deck with Ren, watching the clouds go by.

_“Oh my god, look!” Seren whispers loudly._

_“Hm?” Cordelia asks, looking over to where Seren was staring, watching a tall, handsome guy walk up the driveway next door and gasps, “Crap, he’s cute!” She snorts and dives down onto the wood to ‘hide,’ making Seren laugh._

_“What the fuck, you psycho?!” She snorts and holds her stomach as she laughs._

_“I couldn’t let him see me!”_

_“He wasn’t even looking!”_

_“Well, shit,” she snorts and jumps back up, dusting herself off, bright red as she notices her other neighbour staring at her, cat in his arms, looking concerned. “Hey, Mr. Wilks…” She waves and sits back down before bursting into laughter with Seren._

He became known at the cute neighbour after that and nothing more, until the day they met and Cordelia embarrassed herself the worst she ever had. She smiles to herself, memories fast forwarding now, going by quickly and filling her with happiness, one in particular making her smile the widest.

_It was a nice, sunny day and Johnny had called and asked her if she wanted to go for a bike ride or something and she agreed, wanting to get out of the house. They met out on the sidewalk and rode off together, chatting as they pedaled slowly in no general direction, before Johnny suggested the beach._

_They raced there, Johnny winning due to his legs, which he denied were an advantage and locked their bikes up. Cordelia links their arms and they walks down the shoreline, just enjoying each other’s company, Cordelia pointing at some of the bigger waves and saying how she much she missed the beaches in California._

_“Was it nice there?”_

_“It was, but I wouldn’t move back permanently.”_

_“You’d rather stay in Chicago?”_

_“I don’t see why not. People are nicer and it’s not nearly as expensive.”_

_“But it’s your home.”_

_“Sure, it’s got my teams and I was born there, but I grew up here when I was fourteen. It’s a different kind of home. I met my forever friends here. I have my family here. That’s what’s really important.”_

_“…That’s a nice way of looking at it.”_

_Cordelia smiles and leans on him, before she looks up as something wet hits her head, “Huh?”_

_Then, it starts to pour._

_“Oh!” Johnny laughs and grabs her hand, running back to their bikes, hidden under the awning of the snack shack there, hoping to stay dry, but soaked to the bone._

_Cordelia laughs as she huddles against him, “Only in Chicago! Wouldn’t change it for the world!” She grins up at him._

_Johnny looked at her oddly then, but his smile quickly returned, “Glad to hear it.”_

_They wait out the storm, yelling questions and answers to each other about nonsense, until it finally clears up enough for them to ride home. They ride slow and leisurely, Johnny inviting her in for something warm to eat and some warm clothes. He’d gotten her in a pair of sweats that dragged across the floors and pooled at her ankles and one of his old highschool t-shirts, “Thanks,” she smiles as she comes down into the kitchen, towel drying her hair with a laugh, thanking it was warm in the house, because of her lack of a bra._

_“No problem,” he smiles and points to a bowl, “It’s instant, but it’s Ramen, if that’s okay with you.”_

_“More than okay!” She takes hers and bounces over to the couch, sitting with him, as he’d also changed into some sweats and an old t-shirt, looking more than comfy. She steals glances at his arm as she slowly munches on her noodles before grinning as he sighs and lifts his arm, letting her cuddle up underneath it._

She remembers the way he walks her back home with her bike and told her getting the clothes back to him were no rush and he’d drop hers off when they were done drying. He was so sweet. She can’t help but think they might have kissed that day and things might have ended up differently. But she knew she couldn’t change the past.

A tap on her knee startles her and she looks up, pulling her headphones out, “Huh?”

“We’re almost there,” Kiara says.

Already? “Okay,” she nods and stretches, tucking her phone and headphones away.

It’s quiet as they pull onto her block before Jaehyun speaks, “There’s something else you should know,” he pulls into her driveway, a U-Haul in Johnny’s driveway.

“He’s moving…” She whimpers and shakes her head, grabbing her duffle bag, “I’ll call you guys later. I have to do this, now…But, thank you. All three of you. Really,” She smiles and hops out, running up Johnny’s side yard and into his living room, filled with boxes. “Johnny…” She says softly as she watches him tape a box.

Johnny shakes his head, hearing her voice again.

“Johnny!”

He groans and tries to make the tape gun louder.

A thud. “Johnny!”

He spins quickly, ripping the tape as he does so, eyes widening as he sees her, in some baggy pajamas and shirt, that baseball cap tucked on her head. “…Cordelia?”

“Hey…”

“Y-“ He steps towards her but she puts a hand out to stop him.

“Hold on. Let me say something before we start hugging or yelling or whatever, okay?” She takes a breath and pulls her chip out, rubbing her fingers over it, “I have to apologize…I know what I did, now. It became clear and…you didn’t deserve that. I…I didn’t hear you clearly that night, but I realized later what you said. I was angry at myself and hurting, so I left for a while to get some help…Look, this isn’t about me. I broke your heart. I know that, now. And I am so sorry. So, so sorry, Johnny. You deserve far more and way better than what I gave to you. I just hope you can forgive me.”

Johnny stares at her, biting his lip, “I…Cordelia…” He goes quiet and just stares at her, exhausted and sad, looking at her like she never wanted him to. Tired.

She nods and picks up her bag, turning towards the door before she’s being pulled into his chest and hugged so tight her arms ached, but she tucks her face into his shirt and hold on. “I forgive you. I do. I was hurt, too, but I never meant what I said about you.”

She looks up at him as they part and she sighs, “You forgive me? For real? Not just out of pity?”

“Truly.” He promises and kisses her head, hugging her again, “Don’t ever leave like that again, though. I was worried sick…”

“…Speaking of leaving…”

“…Yeah…Well, I was gonna just go and be rid of everything…but…”

“Don’t. Please don’t. Can you back out still?”

“Yeah, but is that what’s best?”

“This is your home, too. I don’t want you to leave because of me. Please?”

“…Yeah, okay…How about you make it up to me? I help you unpack your bag and you help me unpack my boxes?”

“Sounds like a deal, Suh.”

They walk over to her place and go in, heading upstairs, when she stops and turns to him.

"I know it means nothing now, but for what it's worth, I would have said it back."

Johnny would have loved to say it meant nothing.

But, it didn't.

It meant the world.

And it stung.


	9. I Swear You’re Just Like A Pill (Alternate Ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia comes home and things escalate.

Two weeks. No calls. No texts. No letters. Radio silence.

Cordelia had truly left without so much as a single fucking word and it was killing him. It wasn’t fair that she just ran off and didn’t have the courtesy to say goodbye, at all. None of her friends seem to know anything, nor did any of his friends. Not even Kiara or Jaehyun, those closest to her.

Yet, she’d left her car and her dog behind. That just wasn’t who she was.

It had been keeping him up at night, almost like he could hear her voice or her laugh during the day, toying with his head. He’d look at their photos together and imagine what would have happened if he’d stayed that night. He wanted to forget about her, he truly did. But, it was too hard. Cordelia was like a drug he just couldn’t quit.

Johnny sighs as he tapes up one of the last boxes and looks around the house, “Well, it was nice while it lasted.” He says as he looks out the window, across the way at Cordelia’s house. He turns back to the box and starts to double layer it, hearing Cordelia’s voice call to him. Great, here we go again. And this time, it sounded even more vivid than usual.

“Johnny.”

He shakes his head and ignores it. It was nothing. As long as he paid no attention, it would just go away like normal.

“Johnny!”

He sighs and continues taping the box, desperate for it to be even louder. Just breathe, Johnny. This happens all the time. She isn’t there.

Before a thud and her voice sounds again. “Johnny!” Now, that one sounded a little too real…

He spins around, ripping the tape as she does, staring at the figure before him. “…Cordelia?”

No.

Couldn’t be.

Yet, there she was…

“Hey…”

“Hi.” He shakes his head and turns back around, finishing the box and moving it to the door before Cordelia grabs his hand.

“Stop.”

He yanks his arm away, “Just get out of here, okay? I don’t even know why you’re here.”

“To say I’m sorry.”

“Little too late for that Cordelia,” he grumbles as he tapes up another box.

“Johnny, stop…I said, stop!”

“Fine!” He drops the tape gun and walks towards her, ignoring the hand to stop him and just shoves it away, pressing her to the wall and kissing her hard, gripping her waist.

She gasps and presses her hands to his chest, but not pushing, more just resting them there to keep herself steady as she lets herself kiss back.

“You left,” he whispers, smacking the hat off her head to press his forehead against hers, “Don’t you ever fucking dare leave again. Do you understand?” He grips her chin in her hand, staring into her eyes.

She swallows thickly, “Johnny, I-“

“Don’t,” he grunts and kisses her again, this time lifting her up against the wall and pulling her legs around him as she scrambles to get her arms around his neck. He tugs at her lip and digs his fingers into her hips, hard enough to leave bruises, afraid of letting her go again.

She lets him keep her there, kissing him back and melting into it, forgetting why she was even in there in the first place if it wasn’t for this. For him. She threads a hand into his hair and sucks on his lower lip, nipping it and making his growl low. “Johnny…” She mumbles, pressing their foreheads together, breathing slightly heavily.

He pulls them from the wall and to his kitchen, setting her on the counter, moving his lips to her neck, “God, I missed you,” he groans and nips, sucking a small mark under her jaw.

“I missed you too,” she breathes, tilting her neck for him to get better access, eyes fluttering closed. She blinks them open when he pulls back and lifts her shirt off, looking almost like he’d seen a ghost before he’s back, and sucking marks on her chest. She strokes his hair, whimpering, but not daring stop him, not when he was like this.

The last girl he’d had on the counter, he’d wished it was Cordelia, could barely even get it up for the other girl, but now? He was ready to go. He kisses her softly, a stark contrast between the heat from before, but he had to let her know. It wasn’t about the sex. It was about them being together. He cups her face, licking into her mouth carefully, letting their tongues tangle as her hands find their way to his hips, holding onto him.

He pulls back and kisses back down her neck and it all floods back, the slight anger and resentment he has towards her and before he can stop himself, he bites down on her shoulder, but not hard enough to truly hurt her. She just gasps and grips his hair, “Hey, careful.”

Careful. Right. Because that’s what they were; careful. He rolls his eyes and lifts his head to look her in the eyes, “Why should I be?” He smirks and nips her jaw, “I think we’re passed that point, don’t you?”

She whimpers at his tone and licks her lips, “I-I-“

Seeing her look that nervous snaps something in Johnny and in a blur of the next few minutes, he’s got them both undressed and is slowly pushing into her as she grips him, panting into each other’s mouths as he bottoms out.

He locks eyes with her, starting to thrust hard, but slow, making sure she feels it as her hands grip his shoulders. “You said you came to apologize.”

“I-I did,” she gasps, letting her head fall back, breaking the gaze between them.

“Then, you’d better start.”

“I,” she keens, wrapping one leg around his waist, “Fuck, I-I’m sorry for everything I put you through,” her words comes out like she’s being punched by every thrust.

“That all, huh?”

“N-no, I’m sorry for leaving like I did.”

“You’d better fucking be. That was just fucking rude, Cordelia.”

“I had to.”

“To get away from me?” He picks up speed, making her claw down his sides now, “Huh? Answer me,” he grips her chin again.

She looks at him, shaking her head, “To get help for mys-self, shit!” She arches a bit, “Oh my god.”

“Not god, but thanks,” he smirks and kisses her again, “Where? Where did you go?”

“AA,” she grunts.

“Oh, is that what this is?” He picks up the silver chip on the counter that tumbled out of Cordelia’s pocket earlier.

“Y-yes.”

He growls and pushes in deep, “This is what you left for? You were gone for two weeks? Couldn’t even finish the program, huh?”

“Who says I wanted to? I don’t need to.” She snaps back at him, blinking when he puts the chip up to her mouth. “What?”

“Bite it.”

“Excuse me?”

“Bite it. Unless you want everyone to hear you.”

Her eyes widen and she quickly bites down, the chip jutting slightly between her lips as he moves them, laying her back on the kitchen table and she shakes a little in anticipation. She grips the sides as he holds onto her hips and starts to thrust hard and fast, not giving her a second to situate, just taking.

The second he leans over her, her nails are at his back and her ankles are locking behind his waist as he drives into her, finally meeting each other’s eyes again. “I wonder how loud you’d be if you could scream properly right now, don’t you?”

She quickly shakes her head, biting down a bit harder just in case he tries to take it. She knew she was holding back now because she could, but as soon as the chip leaves her mouth, all bets were off and she was screaming her head off, she just knew it.

“But, if I don’t let you speak, how can you apologize? Hm?”

She whimpers, knowing it was coming. She swallows thickly, but releases the chip when he grabs it, pulling it away. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Johnny, I swear,” she mewls, tossing her head back, “I didn’t hear you that night, but I understand now!”

“Oh? You understand?” He grabs her hands and pins them beside her head, holding her down completely now, having total control. “You understand how you broke my heart? How you left me wondering and hoping for something that was obviously not coming? Hm? No, I don’t think you do understand, Cordelia. I don’t think you will until I’ve properly taught you this lesson.”

She arches as he drives into her more forcefully, yelping out his name as the table shakes slightly with the power of his thrusts into her. “J-John-ny! Fuck!” She throws her head back, absolutely writhing underneath him.

His mouth attaches to her neck and he’s not bothering to slow his thrusts at all, chasing his own release, with no regard for anything else. “That’s it. Keep saying my name. Let everyone know.” He licks up her neck and around the shell of her ear, making the girl below him shiver.

“Fuck, it feels so good,” she pants, bottom lip now tucked between her teeth as he takes her, “I’m truly sorry, I swear I am, just please, don’t stop.”

“Never planned on it,” he chuckles low into her ear and presses her flat against the table, thrusting harder and sloppier than before, making her body jerk under him when he hits certain spots inside of her, driving her insane.

It’s over all too quickly as Cordelia is spasming around him and crying out for him as he empties into her with a few low grunts, one of her name, on his lips. He pants as he hovers over her, sweating and sated, nosing at her collarbone.

Cordelia pants and moves her hands when he releases them, petting his hair, “Johnny, I-“

“I know. It’s okay. I forgive you.”

She kisses his head, “Maybe we should move…this table won’t support us much longer.”

“Yeah,” he slowly stands and gently pulls out, using his boxers as a rag for her, before he leads her upstairs to where his bed was still intact, but stripped of sheets. “Sorry…”

“It’s okay,” she pulls him over and lays down, curling up with him, head on his chest as he plays with her hair, “We’re okay, now, too.”

“Are we?”

“I think so. Judging from how we’re actually sticking together after mind-blowing sex this time…”

“It was blind-blowing, huh?”

“Yeah,” she blushes, shrugging. “I mean you’re the only one I’ve ever been with, so…”

“You’re tellin’ me you think someone could be better than me?”

“Well, I wouldn’t know and don’t really care to find out, now do I?”

“Is that you saying you’re mine?”

“Always have been, John,” she says, looking up at him, “But thanks for finally noticing.”

Johnny laughs and tickles her, making her squeal with laughter, “You put me through all of that just for this to be the end of it.”

“I mean…isn’t that how it usually works, though? Girl meets guy, girl falls for guy, they fight, they break each other’s hearts, guy fucks girl on the dining room with her AA chip in her mouth and everything is better,” she snorts as she sees him glaring at her.

“Yeah, uh huh, a regular Seinfeld, you are not.”

She throws her head back in laughter before calming down, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m glad we’re here, now… Does it mean that we’re together?”

“Ah, the old, ‘what are we,’ talk, huh?”

“Don’t play with me, Suh. This time you’ll really have to move.”

“Yes, you dip, we’re together. As long as it’s what we both want.”

“I want it. Definitely.”

“Good…me too.”

She beams and leans down to kiss him, smiling into it, cupping his cheek gently. “I’ve been waiting to kiss you for five weeks…how is that fair?” She giggles.

“You can’t rush perfection, my dear.”

“Oh, so now you’re perfection, then?”

“Am I not?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe?”

“Maybe?! Rude!”

She rolls her eyes and kisses him again, laughing softly.

Yeah, okay, maybe this was perfection.

But, she’d never tell him that.


	10. My Heart Has A Tempermental Beat (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing truly stays the same, does it?
> 
> Yet, some things never change.

Johnny follows Cordelia into her bedroom, moving to where she places her to duffle to help her unpack it and get re-settled. He worries his bottom lip a few times, glancing over at her as he takes everything out and places it all back in the right spots. It felt like two weeks had passed, but it also didn’t feel that way at all, really.

There she was, the best friend he’d had, the girl he’d wanted and the love he’d lost, standing right in front of him, humming along to herself. He wanted to reach out and grab her. To make her promise not to go again. To hug her and not let go again. But, that was no longer his place and he knew it.

She smiles at him warmly and he looks away quickly, knowing he’d been caught staring, yet receiving no teasing for it. And what possessed him to open his mouth, he’d never know, as he blurted out, “I slept with someone!”

Cordelia stills, taken aback by the outburst as she blinks at him, loosely holding a sweater in her hands, “O…kay?” She nods and puts away the article of clothing, looking back at him, “It’s okay? We were never really dating, so I can’t be mad?”

“I just thought you should know? I don’t know…”

“Thanks, I guess?” She chuckles and shakes her head, “Truly a man of poetry, John Suh,” she winks and laughs, zipping her now empty duffle and stuffing it back into the closet. “Now, let’s go handle that house of yours, huh?”

“Sure,” he nods and follows her, letting her lock up before they go back to his, met with boxes and bubble wrap.

“Okay…” She takes her keys from her pocket, “Let’s get a move on, then.”

Johnny chuckles and pulls his own keys out and together, they tear open the boxes taped closed, moving them into different rooms and unpacking the most necessary things first, leaving the rest for later, as it was mostly decorations otherwise.

Eventually, they make it to the truck, bringing everything back in, along with a few bumps and bruises. “Johnny! Turn it left! Left! Ah!”

“Cor, you okay?!”

“I’m okay! Just go left!” They finally fit the mattress back inside and she flops backwards onto it, laughing, rubbing her arm where it was now red. “Next time I say left, go left.”

“My bad,” he chuckles and sits next to her. “Well, that’s all of it…”

“We did it, Suh, my man,” she high fives him.

“We did,” he high fives her back, “Thanks for helping me out, even though you didn’t have to.”

“My pleasure,” she chuckles and lets him lay next to her, staring up at the ceiling before chuckling, “Remember when I flung pasta up there and we couldn’t get it down, but the next morning it fell on Doyoung’s head?”

“Yes!” He snorts and shakes his head as she rambles on, talking about how much she missed everybody. But, he only missed her. Even if she didn’t miss him quite the same or as much.

Right now, this moment was all that mattered to him.


End file.
